The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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