You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
