Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
