Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize