He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
