he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
