As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
