shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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