he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
