She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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