i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
my liver is dry heaving
I have already put on my inside pants.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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