I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Congratulations! We have a period
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