She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
