I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
