is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
