Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
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