Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
areolas are like halos for boobs.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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