what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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