Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
