The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
wow bdsm is so cute
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
