booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
