One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
