I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
