hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
