Yo dont text me then not text me
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
