how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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