Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
All I want is dick and wine.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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