I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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