I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
