my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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