just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
