My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm getting married
To pizza
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
