yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
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I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
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I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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