Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
