It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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