I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
