you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Randomize
