Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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