So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
