at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
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Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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