i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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