i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So vagazzling was a success
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
