I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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