i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
