dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
