I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
