He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
