They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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