Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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