So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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