Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
