I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Randomize
