Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
