I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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