I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
