I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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