Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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